Liberation, Colors, and Political Parties (Satire)

Dudley Weeks, Ph.D.

I think I feel “liberated”...and before you have all sorts of fun with that broad statement, I think I should probably explain the kind of liberation I am feeling. I am feeling liberated because I have never been, and will never be, a member of any political party.
I know. There are a zillion more scintillating reasons for feeling liberated, and I like to think some of those also apply to me. But if you haven’t experienced the no-political-party kind of liberation, I am here to give you a glimpse into its glorious properties.
Okay, okay. “Glorious” may be a bit excessive, but I’m trying to make a point here. “Well then, hurry up and make it!” some of you might be saying. I will respectfully and immediately take your advice, doing so by listing the reasons for my liberated feelings.

By not being affiliated with any political party, psychologically, physically, medically, genetically, socially, economically, etc. etc. etc.........

1. I am liberated from being pressured to ignore a politician’s mistakes, naughty behavior, ineptitude, and just-not-getting-it, and to vote for that candidate simply because he or she is a member of “my party”.
2. I am liberated from being colored either “Red” or “Blue” when I actually prefer
burgundy, or sometimes a kind of mysterious bronze.
3. I am liberated (don’t spread this around) from having to stop at stoplights. For reasons probably understood only by Rembrandt or Renoir, stoplights have red, green and yellow but no blue. That seems a bit politically unfair to Blue folks and Blue states, just as it would be unfair if there stoplights had no Red. So as a nonparty person, it is my responsibility not to play the red-green-yellow game, and I am liberated from having to do so. Makes sense to me.
4. This one has several points.
(a) I am liberated from feeling that in order to be “loyal” to “my party”, I have to throw wisdom, good sense, and facts into the toilet, and continue to support a policy conjured up by “my party”, a policy that was misguided from the very beginning.... because “we’re in it now” and have to “stay the course”.
(b) I am also liberated from thinking I am “unpatriotic” by wanting to learn HOW that misguided policy was so foolishly crafted so we won’t make the same mistake again.
(c) And, finally, I am liberated from being tempted to feel “disloyal” when I point out that if we enter a dangerously flooded kitchen with the faucet running, the first thing we should do is turn off the faucet, not deny there is a flood, blame somebody for the open faucet, or start playing with rubber duckies.
5. I am liberated from being on any political party’s lists---Good Guy list, Bad Guy list, or gullible-prey list---and thus am liberated from contributing to deforestation (no mountains of campaign propaganda mail burying my mailbox), from contributing to illegal electronic surveillance (no stream of e-mails), and from contributing to bite wounds and the destruction of canine-human relations (no trespassers coming to my door hawking a particular political party).
6. I am liberated from being typecast as a “liberal” or a “conservative”, thus allowing me to subtract from my own identity at least two of the several hundred limiting “labels” people so conveniently throw around with lazy disregard to keep from having to get to know a person for who she or he really is.
7. I am liberated from having my TV appearances limited only to those shows promoting a certain political ideology.....and I don’t have to wear either red or blue....and when my name appears on the screen it’s without a (D) or (R) after it, which is only fitting because my parents did not include those letters on my birth certificate.
8. When I vote, I am liberated from having to take the easy way out by ignoring the individuals on the ballot and voting a straight party-line ticket. I’ll find my own “easy ways out” in other aspects of life, and, silly me, I thought we were a nation that prided itself on individuality.

It would be too presumptuous, and would invite attack from all 360 degrees of the political spectrum, for me to advocate the abolition of political parties. All I’m doing is sharing my feelings of liberation, something we probably all need a little more of in our lives. If you see yourself as Red or Blue, those are both nice colors, and the choice of Red, Blue, no color, or all colors is up to each person, as it should be.
Just so you’ll know, I am currently working on the design of a new political map of the U.S. I’m debating the color scheme, and have decided to hire the wisest of all consultants on this crucial matter: young children, all of whom are color blind when they want to be or need to be.

Dudley Weeks
July, 2006

(Copyright 2006: Domestic and international law prohibits the public use of this article without the written permission of the author. Any reprint must bear the author’s name and notice of legal restrictions.